Oh, yeah, that.

Oh, right. It's Valentine's Day.

I've never had a good Valentine's Day, to be honest. I've only been in love two or three times in my life and only once has that turned into a real relationship and only then was I lucky enough to have it happen around this time of year.

Actually, it was ten years ago today, to be exact.

And even then, the day was mostly ruined because I didn't have my own mode of transportation and I was stuck with someone waiting for something that never arrived. So I missed out on a romantic dinner because I wasn't thinking and didn't think to call him until I got home.

Honestly, I don't see the point anymore. Romance is hard to come by these days what with people living hundreds of miles away from each other and our overall ability to be so busy with our own lives that we ignore the people around us for the most part.

I'm not saying that I don't think I'm going to fall in love again. I know I will because it's in my nature. But will I fall in love with someone who's good for me, or available, or compatable with me and my personality? Vegas odds say no. I've pretty much cut off all ties to everyone except a small group of people in the area. Even my online friends are few and far between anymore. It seems like no one has time to talk or even cares enough.

I still like my life, though. I like being able to go a whole day without hearing someone's drama coming dangerously close to my life. I don't miss Dany or Wil or Ryan or April or Chris. All of them were ultimately bad for me because they have issues in their lives they refuse to address. Dany thinks that love is something you force out of someone. Like you can beat someone into submission so they'll love you. Wil thinks you can buy it and turn a blind eye to their shortcommings which only makes him a sad pathetic man. Ryan... Well, let's just say that you can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself and all your faults, while working to overcome those faults. April is basically like Dany. She thinks that to love someone is to control their every action and movement. To be the queen over everyone around her so that way they can't hurt her. Of course, it never works and her ability to go from rage to calm rivals that of a tornado's accuracy. Chris... You know, I'm just never going to mention him again, because really he's not worth mentioning. It was a mistake for me to put trust in him a second time after the first time that he wantonly screwed me over. The hilarious part is that here in a year or so, he's going to show back up and be all so sorry for what he did and how he acted. I've already told others that it would be in his best intrest to not try and sell me that sob story again.

I'll admit sometimes I think about them, but I don't miss them. I just feel sorry for them and their circles of deception they turn on. Oh, and Jandy. Lord, I do not miss her at all. So morally inferior while trying to act like some kind of saint. Admitting your mistakes is the first step you take to correcting them. Of course, I guess that's a lesson they could all learn. The amazing thing about all this is that most of these people are older than me and have had chance upon chance to change their ways and they've outright refused. It boggles the mind.

Here's the funny part and why I bring them all up. They all have a significant other. A lover, a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband or wife. And here I am all alone. Nice guys do indeed finish last it seems. Oh, I don't think I'm a saint either. I'm just saying, I'm trying to be a better person than what I could be and no one's sent me flowers today. Much less a "fuck you" card.

But, that's life. You just gotta take it as it goes. I'm happy with what I have and who I have in my life. But, there's always room for one more.

Boring?

So, I'm updating. Not that there's anything to update, really. Things here are going at about the same speed and in the same direction as it has been since the last time I updated.

I know it would appear that things are boring in my life and I guess in some ways it is. But I find it comfortable. I have a wonderful puppy that I'm taking care of and I'm working my job in the hopes that someday my work will pay off.

Oh, yeah! I got a puppy!

He's adorable to put it simply. His name is Buddie. Another sheltie breed the same as Sammy. We got him at the beginning on November when he was six weeks old. He's more a typical sheltie than Sam is, really. He's shy when he first meets someone. He's constantly curious about his surroundings and he loves to play and be silly and annoy Sam.

It took awhile for Sam to get used to him. The first month, Sam wouldn't even look at him. I mean turning his head and acting like Buddie wasn't even there. But as Buddie got bigger and bigger (and my GODS that boy has grown) eventually Sammy couldn't just politely pretend he didn't exist. Luckilly they get along really well. The only downside is that I think they'd have a lot more fun running around outside than being stuck inside all day. For that reason we're all looking forward to spring so we can just let them out and let them be stupid and silly in a big yard.

But, I love him. He's great. We're trying to break him from chewing EVERYTHING and hopefully once the rest of his big boy teeth come in, he'll stop. If not, then there will be beatings to report. It's doubly great coming home from work or whatever. They both get so excited to see me. Buddie most of all because he looks to me to protect him and take care of him. He barely trusts mom, which I can't say I don't like. He's definately my dog and everyone's said so. He's got his own sense of humor and his own moods.

Lots of people think dogs are stupid. For the longest time I was one of them. Who would want a stupid dog that'll love you no matter what you did to it when you could have a cat that'll make you earn their love? Well, that's just not true. Yes, there are stupid dogs out there. But most of them love you because you care about them and they know it. And when you get mad at them for things they did, it's not that they stupidly go back to you and lick your hand because they forgot you got mad at them. That's their way of telling you they're sorry.

I remember when I moved back home from living in Canton for two years. And for the first few months Sam would refuse to let me leave his sight without him flying into a rage. I didn't get it at first until one day we were outside together while I was smoking. Sam walked up to me, put his head on my knee and just looked up at me like he'd done something wrong. Of course, I'd been watching him so I knew he hadn't done anything so I found his appologetic mood weird. After a minute or so, I realized what he was trying to tell me. To put it into words, his eyes were telling me, "I'm sorry for whatever it was that I did that made you go away and I promise I'll be a good dog from now on."

I have to admit, I got a few tears looking at that sad lonely face. Here I was just living my life and he took it personally. So, he got extra lovins that day and we sat and watched TV snuggled up on my bed that night. Oh, yeah, you can't just sit with Sam. He insists you cuddle with him. The best thing about Sheltie's, I think, is that they almost demand physical contact just to make them feel better. And it also makes you feel a little better to. You know that no matter what the world throws at you, there's someone waiting for you at home with a happy, wagging tail and a few licks of love to welcome you home where you belong.

Year in Review

Well, that does it for 2006.

This last year has been one of much change in my life. Most of it good, some of it not so good. It seems that I'm taking my own advise in not remembering the not so good parts, because honestly none come to mind. What a great year I had.

It started innocently enough. Nothing really new and nothing exciting going on, beyond the whole legal thing that I was drowning in. Spring seemed to help out a lot because that's when things started taking a serious turn for the better. Some of you might not know this, but for the majority of my adult life, I've fought a pitched battel against insomnia (half the reason I work third shift; figure I may as well be doing something constructive) that was a real pain in my side. It's not just that I had difficulties sleeping, per se. I just couldn't get my mind to SHUT THE FUCK UP! Seriously. I would lay there in bed for four or five hours at a time, trying every technique I knew to get my mind to quiet and go to sleep. None of it worked. This has plagued me since I was around 21 or 22. Looking back now, I see what caused my problem and why I'm pleased that I don't have this problem anymore.

When I used to lay there with my mind buzzing from one thing to another, it was always centering on the money I owed to various ceditors and companies I'd aquired through my life. It may not seem like a lot for some people, but being thousands of dollars in debt with nothing to show for it tends to give me anxiety problems which manifested in insomnia. I could lay there and catalog all the problems I had in my life up until April and I could narrow them all down to, "I don't have enough money to take care of this problem." When May rolled around and my old 89 camry finally broke down on me, it gave me incentive to start fixing some of those problems, full well knowing that I was getting a large amount of money soon that would once and for all take care of all my past bills. Over the course of the summer and into fall Once I got my settlement, I payed everything off.

I cannot adequately describe how liberating a feeling it was to just make all my problems go away. No more debts unless they were new one's that I had under control. There were a few times when I would be driving somewhere and I would think about it that my eye would well up because I felt like a prisoner who'd finally been set free. I was no longer seemingly chained down to my area and I could (theoreticly) move to anywhere in the world if I wanted to. It's hard to describe the feeling. It was better than anything I'd ever felt at the time.

Of course, not all the changes in my life this last year have been financially based. My social life had a significant change to it that I am very grateful for. Earlier in the year, I'd decided that it was seriously time to just cut a few lose ends out of my life because, honestly, they just weren't doing anything for me at all. If anything, they were a detrement that I was getting no reward or no possitive feedback from. I honestly did try to change a few of them. I attempted to fix a few problems between myself and a few of the people I knew, but in the end, their own hubris couldn't be satisfied and so, with some reluctance, I let them go. All in all, I honestly don't miss them. I did what I could, but any relationship, no matter what kind, requires both parties to participate in it. If you're putting your all into something and not getting anything back, then it's time to say goodbye, no matter how painful or uncomfortable that goodbye may be. Again, I feel a little sad, but in the end I felt that I was doing what was best for me and for them at the same time.

I'm honestly not sure yet where I sit with my internet friends I've known for so many years. I really wish I could keep in touch with them, but it seems that they've all gotten distant. I miss them and it's a real shame that I can't talk to them anymore, because I could have used some support 13 months ago when things got real bad here. But my real friends helped out where they could and so I know that there are people I can rely on.

Not only did I lose some people, but I gained a few as well. My little boy and his family are back and I couldn't be any happier. My only regret is that I didn't get another $50,000 in that settlement so I could help them get their new house in order. But I am confident that things will go well for them. Call it a feeling. I feel much better with them withing a twenty minute drive rather than 14 hours.

So, 2006 has ended officially and 2007 is waiting for me to join in the fun and see what I can get out of it. I hope that those who I love and care for have as good a year as I hope I do.

SOOOOOOO not busy

Yeah, I'm a bad monkey for not updating in gods' only know how long.

Mainly due to the fact that I haven't had all that much to say, really. I guess my life as a not so typical gay man is boring for the most part. Oh, yeah, there's been a few funny things here and there, but for the most part, it's all inside jokes. Also, it seems that two people read this on a semi-regular basis and both those people have my number, so it's only natural for them to just call me and get an update. Not that I'm angry at the internet for ignoring me or anything. To be honest, I've found that I don't care all the much anymore. Most of the people I once knew online seem to have forgotten I exist and don't bother to drop me a line just to say, "hey, just making sure you're still breathing."

Wouldn't that be something? To totally put off emailing a good friend for months and months until you finally do send them something only to not get a reply and then months later after that have another guy you talk to on a highly infrequent basis tell you, "oh, yeah, he died in a car wreck three months ago," or something like that. I tried my best to keep up with most of them but for the most part, I just got the impression I was just taking up their time talking to them. So, whatever.

Christmas is going to be a sight to see this year since I managed to buy everyone I know something. Except Zach. I couldn't find a piece of coal his size. The puppy is growing at an alarming rate. The vet thinks he could end up being bigger than the hound I currently have. That could make the house fun to live in. the money I got from profitting off my dad's death is still holding steady at a decent amount (I call it that because a former friend of mine, in a pique of hysteria and anger at me for an imagined slight decided she was going to bash me through my father. She forgot I didn't care, but yet I found it amusing.)

Life is going rather well for the most part and I have no over all complaints except how maybe it would be fun if I had a boyfriend, but I'm not holding my breath on that one because it seems any guy interested in me is usually only interested in the things I can do for them, not me as a person. Very discouraging and it makes the next guys work that much harder to get to know me. For all I know, I've tossed Mr. Perfect and Mr. Right out the door long ago because he was too much of a wuss to take a few hits before giving up. After reading all that, I guess it's safe to say that life isn't going all that well, but I really don't care about the bad stuff. I generally ignore it and focus on the important things.

Recently, a good friend of mine and I were having a talk about the people we've pretty much severed permanently from our lives. I asked her if people just generally felt that I thought I was better than they were. Because it seems most of the people who've ever been negative towards me had that mindset in their heads when they start spitting venom at me. She eventually conceeded that it's possible that that's how people see it. What I tried to tell her, was that I've never had that thought go through my head before. I've never compared myself to other people and used that as a measuring stick in my own life. I try to be a better person, yeah, but I try to be better than the person I know I COULD be. I've seen Evil Jon up close and personal, and he scares me sometimes. That's why I don't let him out of the box anymore. I work through the negative shit and keep myself from falling into the traps that I could fall into.

Beyond buying presents (can't wait for the kids to get theirs. I'll take pictures!!) and playing WarCrack, life is pretty stable and unremarkable. Yule came and went and I didn't get a phone call from anyone in Canton. THIS IS A GOOD THING. I have all the family I need here in my area now. I am, to sum it all up in one word: Content.

Blessing on all of you for the new year.

A gift

Happy Thanksgiving.

The T-I-T-L-E

Well, I got the title to my SUV today, so it's officially my car. No more payments, no more anything. It's an odd feeling, for the most part. I've only owned one other car in my life and that was the old Camry that was ten years old when I got it.

It's amazing how quick life has turned around for me in the last year. This time last year, I was barely getting by and had next to nothing to show for most of it. Now, I've got a new car, and stuff all over the place for retirement and investments. I have to say that my stess load ever since I got the car and got that check from my lawyers practically flatlined. I have nearly no stress at all. It's great. No major drama going on either because most of the people in my life who generated drama isn't around anymore and that's more or less by design. I took my friend Kym to see Dany last night and afterwards, she basically said she has no need to go back to see him for at least three years.

In other news, I'm heading back to Virginia next month for the last time to help Megan and Tai get the kids here and move back. Very excited and very happy for them.

It's a good day.

Spectator sports

For some reason, the closer we get to November 7th the more concerned I get about the outcome of this election. If you'd asked me a month ago, I would have told you the Democrats were going to retake both houses in a rout. They had the momentum and the drive, from what I was seeing and the Republicans just kept giving them gift after gift after gift all the way up to the Mark Foley scandal. For the last two weeks, the GOP can't help but stumble on their tougne whenever they open their collective mouths. And the president seems to be living in some weird alternate universe where clouds are made of cotton candy and any problems just float away on the wind.

But it seems like the tide is starting to shift a little closer to the middle to the point that, I'm not entirely sure the Dems are going to manage to pull it off. I'll give them that they're more than likely to retake the House. In the last week, the number of vulnerable seats went from somewhere around 18 to 40 depending on who you talk to. Out of all those seats, you'd think that somewhere there's 16 seats for the Dems to pick up. But the Senate... That's whole other thing to peer into and divine the future.

While I do love football (yes, Megan, I do) my first love as far as spectator sports go is politics. And, after following it for the last two decades or so, I think I got a prett good feel for it. I have my list of races to watch and I'm taking the night off because I figure, one way or another, I'm going to end up drunk. My love of politics actually came from the speech Ann Richards gave at the 1988 convention. I remember watching it on television and just being glued to the set, watching her and thinking that I was missing something and I desperately wanted to know all about it. After that moment, I followed every presidential election and I honestly couldn't wait for my first chance to actually cast a vote. I think, in some small part, watching the political trends over the years had a hand in how I deal with people. Jason and a few others claim it's just the evil side of me. I wouldn't qualify it as evil, just devious. And that's how I can tell people with some air of certainty that the democrats had no hand in busting open the Mark Foley case. If they had, trust me, they wouldn't have let it run wild over the land until around now. At this point, just two weeks away from election day, there would have been no way in hell the GOP would have been able to circle the wagons or hold any kind of comittee meetings about it prior to the election, which would have just made them look even more like scam artists trying to ignore or cover up the whole mess. And if definately would have halted a few people from out and out campaigning and that would have been an even better hit to the gut for the majority.

So, here I am, hoping that the Democrats manage to keep going strong and not fall into the more obvious traps the Republicans have set up for them and, for the love of the gods KEEP HOWARD DEAN QUIET!!!

Safe and Sound

So, I got back from Seattle to see Jason Thursday night. The flight back was mostly uneventful except for the small thing were it was possible that I may have had to spend a night in Minneapolis because the flight from there to Peoria was overbooked. I honestly thought about taking them up on the offer of the free round trip anytime in the next year from anywhere and the free hotel room. I thought about it for about five minutes before I realized I would much rather go home, snow or no snow.

Oh, yeah, it was snowing in Wisconsin. I'd left Seattle with it's only slightly chilly morning weather and stepped into that all too familiar ice box we know and love as the midwest. But, I took it all in stride because I was coming home from a great vacation. However, that whole vacation feeling came to a crashing halt becuase I had chosen the #1 wrong person to pick me up at the airport. Oh, mom was happy to see me and all, but even before we got into the car, she started in on all the things I needed to do at the house in the next few days. Seriously. I almost wanted to run back into the airport and offer a thousand dollars to any airline that would get me back to that happy feeling I'd had only a few minutes ago.

Seattle in itself is a beautiful city. I took pictures, but not many. Mostly of the arboretum and the Freemont Troll. Once I figure out how to post them I will. We went shopping to Pike Place and that alone was worth the trip. I really can't describe it because it's so unique. Think of a strip mall, but ten times better with a farmers market and great resteraunts up against a night bayside view and you'll have something of an idea of what it's like. I loved it. The campus Jason goes to school (which he skipped all week despite my urgings not to) was just as nice as the rest of the city. Gorgeous gothic style architecture and nice wide open spaces with a nice view of the mountains. Totally worth seeing.

But, for the most part, the best part of my vacation was that I got to sit and do nothing most of the time. Not just do nothing, but I didn't have to sit there contemplating what I needed to do next or hear someone screaming for me or have someone call (although Megan's husband Tai called one night because he must have not been told I was on vacation and decided to chat with me about Warcraft) for one reason or another. It was totally and completely relaxing. I still power napped through most of my days, sleeping only about four to six hours at a time, but that's just become habit and I wasn't about to give myself a free ride on that since I knew eventually I'd have to go back to that soon enough. But, I was totally relaxed and I got a chance to see a good friend I hadn't seen in years. You never know how much you miss someone sometimes until you actually see them again in person. So, all in all, it was a booming success. Oh, Zach? That whole idea about the car thing was totally unnecessay I realized once I got there. for the most part, we walked everywhere we went because it was that close. So, waste of money there. Also, I took five hundred dollars with me and managed to still come home with a hundred and eighty of it, so i guess I did't splurge that much.

All in all, it was a great vacation. Next year, I may go back, but I have to keep in mind tthe friend in L.A. New York, and Florida who I still haven't seen and want to see. Maybe I'll do a round the country tour sometime. ;)